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Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope in Haiku
Okay, it's time for something completely different.   Here for your enjoyment is Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, told entirely through Haiku's.  I took a couple of days off from my other projects to the tell the story of a galaxy far, far away in Japanese poetry.  There are almost 200 if you were counting.
 
Enjoy!
 
A drumroll begins
The Fox fanfare starts playing
The logo appears
 
Giant floating text
Tells the plot of the movie
Here comes a spaceship!
 
And then another!
But this one is much larger
Laser blasts erupt
 
A gold droid appears
With his friend, R2D2
Fleet troopers run by
 
Threepio panics
“They shut down the reactor
No escape this time”
 
The Empire is here         
Sparks fly and the door explodes
Rebels drop like flies
 
Darth Vader steps in
The man in black means business.
Breathing so heavy
 
R2 gets a job
The rebellion needs him
To take a message          
 
Threepio is lost
“R2D2 where are you?
I don’t like Kessel”
 
“No Death Star plans here”
Antilles had a bad day
Vader crushed his throat
 
“Set blasters for stun”
Leia falls down to the floor
“Take her to Vader”
 
“Hey, get out of that
We are not allowed in there
It is restricted”
 
“They will shut you down”
“You mindless philosopher”
“Don’t you take that tone”
               
“Mission? What mission
You must have a short circuit
I will regret this”
 
The escape pod leaves
“It does not look bad from here”
“There goes another”
 
Droids escape the ship
“Are you sure this thing is safe?”
“No, probably not”
 
Luke and Biggs scene cut
Won't be seen for twenty years
Poor Garrick Hagon
 
Leia sees Darth Vader
“Only you could be so bold”
“Don’t act so surprised”
 
Vader threatens her
“You’re on no mercy mission
You have stolen plans”
 
She pleads ignorance
Vader loses his patience
She is lead away
 
Vader gets advice
“Holding her is dangerous”
“I’ve traced spies to her”
 
“The plans are not here”
“An escape pod jettisoned”
“Did you shoot it down?”
 
“No, I’m afraid not”
“Must I do everything here?
Send troops to get it”
               
“See it to it yourself
There’ll be no one to stop us”   
Spaceship flies away
               
“How did we get here?
We have been made to suffer
It’s our lot in life
 
“My joints are frozen
I’m going to fall apart”
“Please stop complaining”
 
“Where are you going?
There are too many rocks there
And you are on wheels”
 
“I have rocket jets”
“Don’t get technical with me”
“I’m just stating fact”
 
“Go on, go that way.
You won’t do any better
Near sighted scrap pile”
 
“No more adventures”
Dead Krayt Dragon on the dunes
“This is all his fault”
 
He spies a transport
Jawas take him for a ride
He is saved for now.
 
Jawas find R2
He has a shocking good time
Face down on the ground
 
Friends reunited
Stuck in a giant scrap pile
Utini says the Jawa
 
Sandtroopers touch down
Searching for the stolen plans
“Look sir”, one says. “Droids”
 
The Sandcrawler stops
The droids all line up outside
A Jawa buffet
 
Meet Luke Skywalker
A boy with a destiny
Stuck on Tatooine
 
“Tell Uncle Owen
To get one that speaks Bocce”
“Not much to choose from”
 
Slim pickings for sale
Owen does not buy R2
R5 blows his top
 
Owen buys his droids
Tells Luke to go and clean them
Luke just whines and pouts
 
“This oil bath feels good”
“Oh, Biggs is right. I’m stuck here”
“Which planet is this?”
 
Sir Luke cleans R2
“Help me, you’re my only hope”
Luke wants to see more
 
“She is beautiful”
“Uh, she is your sister dude”
“What did he just say?”
 
R2 turns it off
For Obi-Wan’s eyes only
Luke is not happy
 
“Does he not like me?”
“No, I don’t like you either”
Poor R2D2
 
Breakfast and blue milk
“I think these droids are stolen”
Uncle looks at aunt
 
Luke wants to move on
“There are more than enough droids
So why can’t I leave?”
 
“Just one more harvest”
“That is what you said last year”
“All my friends have gone”
 
“Where are you going?”
“I guess I’m going nowhere”
“He’s just like his dad”
               
Twin  suns start to set
Luke looks into the distance
Sad music starts up
 
R2 has escaped
Owen is going to kill Luke
Where could he have gone?
               
“That droid is trouble”
“Oh, he excels at that sir”
“So now you tell me”
 
“Have you seen Luke yet?”
“He left early this morning”
“I hope he’s working”
 
Sand People spy Luke
“Think I can hit him from here?”
“No, cause your aim sucks”
 
They soon find R2
Trying to find his master
But he is Luke’s now
 
“What’s wrong with him now?”
“There are creatures approaching”
“Sand people. Or worse”
 
“Sand people alright
I can see one of them now”
He missed the other
 
Theepio falls down
Luke takes a blow to the head
Jundland Wastes aren’t safe
 
Luke is unconscious
Sand People wreck his speeder
And prop it on blocks
 
Obi Wan shows up
New edition voice over
I miss the old one
 
Ben picks up poor Luke
“Looks like you’ve had a rough day”
“Ben? Ben Kenobi?”
 
“Thanks for saving me
Do you know an Obi Wan?
This R2 is his”
 
“Wow, that’s an old name
I haven’t heard in a while”
“I heard that he’s dead”
 
“He's not dead, he's me
Don't know if I owned a droid”
“He has a message”
 
“Come Luke, we must go
They are easily startled
But they will be back”
               
Threepio fell down
It was not that expensive
It just cost an arm
 
Ben gives some plot points
Backstory for the new fans
Leaves a few things out
 
“He was a Jedi
But a young sith lord killed him
Vader was his name”
 
“I took the high ground
Cut off his arm and both legs
He was my brother”
 
“Your dad’s lightsaber
He has killed younglings with it”
He leaves that out too
 
“He has a message
Some hot chick dressed in white robes”
Threepio shuts down
 
“I think I've found it”
He starts to play the message
He's her only hope
 
Ben gives an option
“Luke, learn the ways of the force
Come to Alderaan”
 
“It’s so far from here
Uncle’s going to kill me
I must head back home”
 
“Do what you must Luke”
“Wow, passive aggressive much?
I think I should leave”
 
The Death Star’s no moon
Imperials talk inside
The big guys show up
 
Motti is bragging
But Vader is not impressed
He chokes him instead
 
Lots of dead Jawa’s
Sand People did not do this
Stormtroopers did it
 
Luke looks at the droids
He comes to a conclusion
“That could lead them… home”
 
Luke’s House up flames
His family are no more
Beru died smoking hot
 
Back on the Death Star
A probe droid enters the room
Time to get the truth
 
Broken Sandcrawler
Jawas face down in the dirt
Let's set fire to them
 
Luke is despondent
Ben tries hard to cheer up Luke
“You would be dead too”
 
Luke makes up his mind
To be a Jedi like dad
With less dead younglings
 
“Lots of villains here
And a fair amount of scum
Try to be careful”
 
“Where did you get these?
They’re not what you’re looking for.
You can move along”
 
“Watch your step young Luke
No one wants to lose an arm
This place can be rough”
               
An alarm goes off
“Your droids, they must stay outside
We don’t serve their kind.”
 
Dr Evazan
Death sentence on twelve systems
Just not on this one
 
Pushes Luke over
Ben overreacts a bit
Over armless fun
 
“I am Han Solo
The captain of the Falcon
And this is Chewie”
 
“Is she a fast ship?”
“Fast enough for you old man”
“Good, then we’ll take it”
 
“Seventeen thousand?
This could really save my neck
Get the ship started”
 
Han Solo stands up
But he finds his path is blocked
Greedo’s in his way
 
“Going somewhere Han?”
“Yes, to see Jabba, Greedo”
“I have his money”
 
“He’ll just take your ship”
“Yeah, over my dead body”
“Good, I like that plan”
 
Han Solo shoots first
Greedo does not fire a shot
That would be silly
 
Wuher looks at Han
Han tosses over some coins
”Sorry for the mess”
 
Leia’s mind is tough
The mind probe could not break her
Tarkin has a plan
 
Door to door troopers
The two droids are in hiding
It’s all R2’s fault
 
Luke sells his speeder
“Won’t be coming back again”
Until the sequel
 
Once he was a man
CGI changed him a lot
Han stepped on his tail
 
One last small surprise
Gratuitous Boba shot
Smile for the camera
 
Everyone arrives
At Docking Bay 94
Stormtroopers show up
 
“Stop that ship. Blast them”
Time for Han to fly away
Next stop, Alderaan
 
“Governor Tarkin
I knew you'd hold Vader's leash
I smelled your foul stench”
 
“Charming to the last
Say goodbye to Alderaan”
Planet go boom now
 
Alderaan blows up
Galactic maps are now wrong
All thanks to Leia
 
Ben grabs his tummy
Loads of voices are silenced
A bad thing happened
 
R2 plays space chess
“Chewie is a sore loser”
“Let the wookiee win”
 
Luke tries his saber
Remote shoots him in the butt
Han finds it funny
 
Luke wears a helmet
And he blocks a shot or two
First steps to Jedi
 
Leia lied to them
Rebel base is deserted
“Kill her right away”
 
Han thinks he is lost
Alderaan seems to have gone
Replaced with big rocks
 
“Where did that come from?”
“It’s heading towards that moon”
“That’s a space station”
 
“Time to hit reverse
Tractor beam’s pulling us in.
Shut her down Chewie”
 
“Send scan crew aboard
The stolen plans must be here”
Vader feels something
 
The crew hides below
Stormtroopers enter the ship
“Where is TK421?”
 
Luke and Han get changed
But Luke is a little short
They soon have a plan
 
“R2 says she’s here”
“Who is?” “Princess Leia ,sir”
“Princess? What princess?”
 
“She’s your future wife
You’ll fall in love with her
And she, you”. “I know”
 
“We must rescue her”
“Are you out of your mind, Luke?”
“Pass me the binders”
 
Detention level
“Where are you taking this…  thing?”
“Prisoner transfer”
 
“Hey look out, he’s loose!”
Blaster shots and explosions
Many dead troopers
 
“Which cell is Leia’s?”
“She’s in 2187
Luke, go and find her”
 
“What’s going on there?”
“We’re all fine here now, thank you
Blaster malfunction”
 
“I’m Luke Skywalker
I am here to rescue you
I have Ben with me”
 
“Aren’t you a bit short?”
“A thank you would have been nice”
“Get me out of here”
 
“Kenobi is here?”
“There’s a tremor in the force”
“Are you sure Vader?”
 
“There’s a disturbance”
“Where?”  “In the detention block
AA23”
 
Stromtroopers give chase
Leia is less than impressed
The heroes are trapped
 
“Do you have a plan?”
“He’s the brainy one sweetheart”
“Some rescue this is”
 
“She’s not too friendly”
“Get into the chute fly boy”
“Hand dives in head first”
 
A room full of trash
Something moves beneath their feet
Luke is pulled under
 
The walls start moving
“We’re all going to be thinner”
Luke comes up for air
 
Trooper bangs his head
Seventh generation clone
IQ is dropping
 
“They’re madmen” he says
Stay here and watch these two droids.
Droids to the rescue
 
Luke is panicking
“C-3PO are you there?
Blast it, where is he?”
 
“Luke, are you there, sir?”
“Shut down the garbage mashers
No, shut them all down”
 
Threepio hears screams
“Oh, curse my metal circuits
They’re dying R2”
 
“Great job Threepio”
“We’re okay. You did great”
“Oh, thank the maker”
 
Meanwhile, down the hall
Ben locates the tractor beam
And he gets to work
 
Chewbacca is scared
Leia takes control of things
“No reward’s worth this”
 
Ben turns the beam off
Stormtroopers walk by the door
Ben turns it back on       
               
“Time to leave this place”
“You came in that thing? You’re brave!”
“Nice.  Let’s head down there”
 
“It is them, blast them!”
Han and Chewie chase them
“Get back to the ship”
 
Han runs down the hall
Stormtroopers have multiplied
Back the way he came
 
Time to swing across.
“You better not drop me, Luke
A kiss for good luck”
 
Ben pulls out his lightsaber
It’s a fight he cannot win
A duel of the fates
 
An epic showdown
Master fights former pupil
Only one will live
 
 Darth Vader taunts Ben
“Your powers are weak old man”
The fight gets intense
 
Ben sees Luke and smiles
The ultimate sacrifice
Vader strikes him down
 
Luke shoots Stormtroopers
But then, Ben tells him to run
Luke is hearing things
 
The Falcon escapes
Homing beacon is on board
Tarkin takes a risk
 
“I can’t believe he’s gone”
“My whole planet just blew up
I feel your pain, Luke”
 
“Okay, stop crying
We are not out of this yet
I need your help Luke”
 
They both man the guns
Luke shoots down his first fighter
“Don’t get cocky, kid”
 
“They are tracking us
Tarkin just let us escape”
“Not this ship sister”
 
“What do you think?”
“I am trying not to, Luke”
“Good” Luke says smiling
 
“Although, her and me?
What do you think of that, Luke?”
Luke is not happy
 
They land on Yavin
R2 is handed over
With the plans intact
 
Rebel briefing room
“The Empire is coming here
No thanks to Leia”
 
“We have found a flaw
The Death Star was not made well
There’s an exhaust port”
 
“That’s not possible”
“I would shoot Womp Rats back home
They aren’t much bigger”
 
Wedge shrugs his shoulders
He does not care for these odds. 
Suicide mission
 
Death Star gets closer
“In range in thirty minutes”
Tarkin watches on
 
“You got your reward?”
“Yep, not staying for this mess
I want to spend it”
 
“Just come with me Luke
I could use you in a fight”
“You’re turning your back”
 
Droids dropped into ships
Pilots are getting ready
It’s now or never
               
“Hi Luke, you made it”
“Have I got stories for you!”
“We will chat later”
 
“This R2 is trashed.
Do you want a new one, Luke?”
“Not on your life, pal”
 
Death Star approaching
Princess Leia looks nervous
15 minutes left
 
All pilots check in
The pilots say their call signs
“Red Five standing by”
 
“Lock in your s-foils”
“Look at the size of that thing”
“Cut chatter, Red Two”
 
The first attack run
Imperials fire at them
Luke gets a bit cooked
 
“30 rebel ships”
“Get the crews to their fighters
Fight them ship to ship”
 
A pilot has died
Porkins we hardly knew ye
You were not that fat
 
Vader gets his ship
“You two pilots come with me.
We’ll do this ourselves”
 
Tarkin gives a smile
“Death Star is almost in range”
“Charge the laser up”
 
Countdown has begun
Only seven minutes left
Rebel Base is near
 
Luke hears Ben a gain
Is his radio broken?
“Luke, trust your feelings”
 
Enemy fighters
“You have got one on your tail”
“Help, I can’t shake him”
 
Vader picks pilots
“Some have broke off from the group
You two, come with me”
 
“Luke! Fighter above”
“I am hit, but not too bad
R2, please fix it”
 
“Blast, Biggs. Where are you?”
Wedge takes the TIE fighter out
“Thanks, good shooting Wedge”
 
“This is Gold Leader
We’re starting out attack run”
Y-Wing Fighters dive
 
Things are getting worse
Vader’s squad leaves the hangar
The Empire will win
 
Picking off Rebels
Shooting fish in a barrel
Tiree and Hutch die
 
“There is a danger
We should evacuate, sir”
“This is a triumph!”
 
The next trench run fails.
The missile skims the surface
It did not go in
 
Luke takes the next turn
“Fighters coming in point three”
Wedge has to pull out
 
Poor Biggs is no more
So much for their story time
The losses add up
 
"I’m on the leader"
“Use the Force, Luke.  Let go, Luke”
Darth senses the force
 
Poor R2 is hit
Vader’s fighter gets closer
Father versus son
 
"We are now in range"
"Start primary ignition"
"You may fire at will"
 
Han Solo shows up
"Let’s blow this thing and go home"
Luke hits it dead on
 
The Death Star explodes
Stormtroopers blown to pieces
Huge mess to clean up
 
"Great shot kid" Han yelled
"It's one in a million"
Luke lets out a sigh
 
The rebels have won
And the heroes get medals
Except for Chewie
 

© 2014 by Craig W. Chenery. All rights reserved.